Can We Save This Place?

Anonymous

Can we save this place?  That is, do we have the moral courage to break the cycle of greed and corruption that has plagued Key West and the Florida Keys since day one?

Tourism and overpopulation are not just out of control here; they are a crime against nature and humanity.  The time for polite discussions and moratoria is over.  What we need is a revolution, a radical rethinking of our place in the ecosystem.  The mounting bitterness local residents feel toward the tourism industry can no longer be ignored, and we must turn our anger to good.

Several years ago I moved here from a major American city, because I have family in Florida, because I hate cold weather, and because I couldn’t endure another year of oppressive traffic, noise, and overdevelopment.  Well, my weather improved quite a bit.

Since I am relatively new, and since I, like a growing number of residents, fear that without a complete reversal of priorities the quality of life here is fast approaching extinction, what I have to say will likely be dismissed as more liberal fantasy from a “got-miner.”  Certainly any one of my proposals, if adopted, would be wildly unpopular among those whose myopic avarice drives our economy.

Human beings are the only creatures that lack the natural checks and balances to manage their numbers.  The environmentally degraded Keys are merely a microcosm of our whole suffering planet.  Mandatory family planning may seem Orwellian or, ironically, sinful to some, but it’s about a hundred years overdue.

Meanwhile, here are some practical ways to save the Keys for those of us who were smart enough to get here before it’s too late:

Elect public officials who will put residents ahead of tourists and profiteers.  It’s obvious that most of the current crew simply must go.

Vote Democratic in local, state, and national elections.  Our two-party system isn’t simply a choice of views; it’s the difference between right and wrong.  The Republican platform, placing wealth and world domination above compassion and conservation, is just plain evil.

Find clean alternative sources of income, such as information technology, to reduce our dependence on tourism.

Promote the cultural arts, which create none of the pollution caused by the pursuits for which the Keys are better known.  Of course this means improving the quality of culture in a place where mediocrity passes for excellence, but that’s another story.

Raise taxes on snowbirds.  Anyone who can afford more than one home is better off than someone who lives here year-round and should share the burden of cleaning up at least one of those places.

Halt permanently all new construction except to replace run-down buildings, and then only under strict HARC guidelines.  That means no new houses, hotels, condos, or businesses.  Period.  That’s it.  We’re maxed out.  The county, state, and federal governments should work together to buy vacant land and maintain it in pristine condition, to settle lawsuits from property owners, and to ensure that adequate affordable housing remains for those of us who juggle two or more jobs to live here.  Big Pine expatriate Larry Sullivan’s proposal to have the Keys declared a national park may be the best idea since the WPA.

Limit cruise ships to one per day, and it must be out of sight by five p.m.  Raise the disembarkation fee to at least $50 per person; the visitor who will support our economy in a significant way can afford it.  The overcrowding the ships cause isn’t responsible tourism; it’s a siege.  When one of these monsters is in port the locals feel like hostages.

Ban the Conch Trains.  Since these rolling roadblocks are often seen carrying few or no passengers, since the Old Town Trolleys are slightly less disruptive than the trains, and since the unsavory relationship HTA enjoys with local government may never end, the least we deserve is a compromise: keep the trolleys but lose the trains.

Ban motorcycles and scooters within the City of Key West.  Regarding the former, the handful of businesses that benefit from the bikers’ deafening presence surely would survive without them, and these oafs who use charity events to justify their clownish exhibitionism do nothing for our damaged reputation throughout the world.  As for the latter, we simply don’t need the stinking, screaming, beeping, creeping scooters that clog our roads, often in the hands of kids and tourists who cannot operate them safely.  (I read somewhere that small gas engines actually run dirtier than cars, and, based on aroma, I believe it.)  There is no destination in Key West that cannot be reached in minutes on foot or by bicycle.  The businesses that rent motorized two-wheelers should be offered a choice: switch to bicycles or get out of town.  Little electric cars should remain available for the elderly and disabled, but everyone else could use the exercise.

Before someone suggests I give up my car, let me say that I live up the Keys and commute to work.  If I lived in Key West the car would spend most of its time parked in front of my tiny million-dollar cottage.

Ban motorized personal watercraft.  The fools who ride these obnoxious toys have even less regard for the environment than your average real-estate developer.

Ban recreational vehicles throughout the Keys except when traveling to or from a legal campsite on their way to or from the mainland.  That means no RVs at shopping centers, at beaches, on city streets, or anywhere else except designated RV parks.  Fine first-time offenders to the tune of a week at the Casa Marina and see how many of these ugly behemoths disappear.

Ban the bums.  No loitering, illegal camping, or panhandling.  Put freeloaders to work cleaning up our beaches, parks, and streets.  If they refuse, take them to jail.  If the local jail can’t hold them, put them on a bus to the mainland.  We haul our household garbage up there every week, so we can do the same with those people who defile our publicly funded lands with their unproductive and often hostile presence.

Since it’s a fat chance that we’ll turn more than a few lazy bums into active conservationists, we should offer scholarships to students who volunteer their time and energy after school and on weekends to help with this important work.

Enforce the noise laws.  Motorcycles, scooters, and especially P.A. systems continue to flout these regulations with impunity.  I’ve enjoyed rock and just about every other kind of music since the sixties, and I’ve never understood why some musicians think they must peel paint off the walls to be heard.  Loud music damages the hearing and nervous system of everyone in the room, prevents conversation, and, in a town where the windows are always open, is a blatant insult to the entire community.  Turn it down or turn it off.

Close fraudulent, offensive businesses.  The inevitable sex trade should be more discreet, and the tacky T-shirt shops and other tourist traps have been given too many second chances.

If we must have chain stores, get them out of Old Town and keep them out.  If you took away the palm trees, Duval Street would look like Anywhere, U.S.A.  Who travels around the world to see that?

Most of these changes would require a much more effective police force.  (That’s more effective, boys and girls, not more aggressive.)  To raise the revenue necessary to improve service, enforce the traffic laws already on the books.  Speeding, tailgating, ignored stop signs, and nonexistent turn signals are so common here that they inspire harmless jokes (“I’m selling my car to a Conch: should I remove the blinkers, or do they do that themselves?”).  Increase the fine for one of these dangerous habits to, say, $500.  This effort would be easier if as drivers the cops themselves were to set a better example, but that too is another story.

Every conscientious resident should join Last Stand, Reef Relief, and every other environmental group he or she can afford to support.  There is strength in numbers, and so far the score favors those who are destroying our home.

One of the reasons Ernest Hemingway left Key West was that he couldn’t bear to see what tourism was already doing to it.  Imagine Papa’s horror if he could see it now.

The Florida Keys are a national and global treasure, and we must save them.

What can you do?  Put down this paper and pick up the phone.